Sometimes things are weird. And nothing celebrates weirdness like The Office. Every character in the legendary sitcom has a computer, but you don’t see any of them using a CRM, much less a modern CRM. No one even mentions it in passing. There are references to the rolodex—in fact there’s an entire episode where Dwight steals Michael’s rolodex—but nothing about CRMs.
And that got me thinking.
What if sales folks in The Office used a CRM? What would they do with it? How would they make it their own vis-a-vis their respective personalities?
Sticking to the sales team in The Office means we’ll look at Jim, Dwight, Pam, Michael, Andy, Phyllis and Stanley in this blog. There are non-sales legends I’d have loved to include—like Angela, Kevin, Oscar, Creed, and Kelly—but they wouldn’t fit into the context of sales and CRMs. With a heavy heart, I must leave them out.
On the bright side, imagination is a delicious thing, and it costs nothing. Let’s do this!
Jim Halpert
I think “smooth as silk” should be rephrased to “smooth as Jim” for multiple reasons. First there are the pranks. Second, the way he handles crises—both at work and at home. And third, his romance with Pam in the first few seasons. A guy as smooth as Jim would probably love sales sequences. They’d keep his emails going one after the other, set up all his calls automatically, and keep adding tasks for him to knock off.
And perhaps Jim could also use sales sequences to send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.
**air high-fives Pam**
Michael Scott
The world’s best boss might scoff at a CRM, because, come on: when “you know you’re getting the best possible information from Wikipedia”, why use a CRM? Still, in the interest of fantasy, what would Michael like in a CRM?
Email templates? Nah. A Kanban board for deals? Too mainstream. Auto-assignment rules? Mmm… sort of an oaky afterbirth.
Michael might be manager but he started as a salesman, so he knows any salesman is only as good as his leads. So Michael would love to be the manager who assigns the right leads to the right people in his team automatically using auto-assignment rules. But because Michael is not superstitious (just a little stitious), he’d also go check in on his team once the leads are assigned. You know, just to keep the morale up.
**Stanley the Manly rolls his eyes**
Dwight K. Schrute
Question: is there a better salesman in The Office? Of course not… idiot.
What would Dwight—who once hated computers and believed they were out to get his job—possibly want in a CRM?
Something that makes him go from superior to invincible.
Workflows.
Dwight is a productivity junkie, and being able to automate work is the ultimate Dwight hack. With workflows, he could automatically move deals to different stages in his pipeline, send reminders to the team to be in the conference room in 5 minutes, and, if he can help it, find a good assistant to the regional manager.
One workflow he’ll desperately need is something that counters Jim’s sales sequences.
**shoots an anxious look across the desk**
Andy Bernard
With the Nard Dog, it’s tough. I mean, here’s a performing artiste stuck behind a salesman’s desk. He’d rather go on vacation unannounced for 3 months instead of closing deals. So what would inspire him to use a CRM?
Adding voice notes to the CRM on mobile.
Any time work gets to him—which is unsurprisingly often—all Andy would have to do is whip out his phone, go to a lead, and sing a note about them. Even falsetto is fine, and CRMs don’t need Cornell credentials to log in.
✅Work done
🎤Creative juices streamlined
🖥️Not chained to the desk
**note about 6-month-old lead: I will re-mem-ber you… will you re-mem-ber me?**
Ryan Howard
If Andy thinks he’s the ultimate shirker, Ryan says, “Hold my baby.” But Ryan is also many more things: he’s mysterious, he’s the youngest VP in Dunder Mifflin’s history, he’s a convicted fraud… there’s too much going on.
With his hands in so many pies, Ryan would likely have a ton of apps on his phone. By integrating them with the CRM, Ryan could stay on top of things all the time. Ryan’s already built an app that unites notifications from all social media. Imagine integrating that app with the CRM—the possibilities are limitless.
**narrows his eyes**
Phyllis Vance
Phyllis loves three things in the world: her husband Bob Vance, being head of the party planning committee, and cakes. And she hates one thing more than anything else: having her leads and deals stolen by a teammate. To prevent such thefts, Phyllis would love using a team inbox. A common inbox means Pam can’t steal Phyllis’s leads—the most she can do is step in and help out when Phyllis is on leave. And when Phyllis is back, she could see for herself the kind of conversations Pam’s had with her leads.
Transparent, collaborative, and puts Pam in her place.
**smiles with venom**
Stanley Hudson
Stanley’s stuck with 3 toasters that won’t sell themselves. He goes to the store to return them, but they won’t take it. If you ask me, he’s looking in the wrong place.
With a CRM, all Stanley would need is a product catalog that collects the details of his toasters. He’d then dive deep into his long list of jealously guarded leads, find the right people, and sell it to them. Heck, he wouldn’t even have to deal with Angela and Kevin from Accounting for invoices—he could create the quotes himself without stepping one inch away from the CRM.
One thing the CRM can’t do for Stanley? Help him play crossword in meetings.
**Rolls his eyes again**
Pam Beesly
It’s ironic that someone who’s shy has jobs that revolve around the phone. First as a receptionist and then as a salesperson, the phone defines Pam. Which is why she’d find a built-in phone dialer in the CRM really handy. For starters, her hands would be free to do other things, like air high-fiving Jim in the middle of a call.
It’s 2022 and handheld telephones are on their way out. You’d think a built-in phone dialer in the CRM is fairly commonplace and ordinary these days, but there’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things, don’t you think?
If you’re still with me, thanks so much for staying till the end! You evidently love The Office just as much (or even more) than I do. If someone says, “But Scranton and Dunder Mifflin are fictional”, we’re the sort who’d bristle with righteous anger. What do they know?
I’d love to chat with you about The Office and your take on this blog. Fire away in the comments!
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